Walkers

Do I walk too fast? I need to know. I expend way to much frustration and suppressed rage aimed at pedestrians than is healthy.

Yeah, I know it's petty and silly, but it is a quality of life issue. For whatever reason, I am at a different pace than the rest of the world, and quite frankly, I've had enough of it. So I'm calling you fuckers out.

The Large, Flailing, Meanderer: OK, you're the dude who is about 6 foot 5, 285, and your legs shoot out at 45 degree angles with every step. AND you don't go in a straight line, nor do you go at a consistant speed. It's impossible to pass you, and it's impossible to slow down enough to build up a gap so that your meandering bullshit doesn't piss me off. Because you are so big and unpredictable, turning on the jets and trying an inside or outside pass is dangerous stuff. Because you have no idea where your next step will take you. If you're a big doofus, you should walk meekly, for Christ's sake.

The Slow Wide Load: You are the person who is old or small or somehow feeble that is somehow carrying a giant package or purse or box or a giant ass that clogs the passing lanes, meaning that I have to stew behind you while you struggle. I'd offer to help, but within 10 seconds (and 3 aborted attempts to pass you) I hate your guts and hope you get to your office to find a voicemail that your puppy has died. Or has been murdered.

The Loud-Shoe Stalker: I hear you from a distance, because you wear tap shoes to work that click loudly with every step. You get louder rapidly, as you approach. But once on my ass, you never pass. I slow down, click click clickety fucking click. I speed up, and there you are, click freaking click, still on my ass. I slow down, and you remain on my ass, refusing to pass. I move to the right to give you a wide passing lane, and still, click, clickety fucking click. Are you attracted to 42 year old men with flat asses? Pass me, or change your shoes to some fast Pumas so I can't hear you while you stalk me.

The Oblivious Group: OK, you are the worst transgressors. Because you are normal walkers, that experience the walking frustration every day, but when you are with your friends, you decide that going three people wide, smoking and joking and playing grab ass is an OK thing to do. It's impossible to pass you, and it's impossible to break you out of your happy go lucky goofiness. You are the ones that experience the frustrations with all of the above, but together, with a few booze drinks in you, you forget the prime directive, keep the sidewalks passable. Shame on you. Shame on you.

Grocery Store Cloggers: These are the sons of bitches that turn their cart sideways in the aisle while they debate whether to get cheerios or apple jax, or chase after their kids who are messing up. They also are the ones that neatly place their cart to the right, creating space on the left, but then proceed to bend down to look at shit on the left, right next to their cart, so that their ass and cart take up the entire aisle. FUCK, the last item on my list are those goddamned Hefty bags that are three feet on the other side of your giant ass.

Come on people. Be courteous walkers. Be gentle walkers. Be subtle, quiet, unobtrusive walkers. Plan your walk, and be mindful of those behind you, or in front of you. Oh, and please, look behind you before you decide to scratch, pick, or bust your ass. I didn't need to see that.