What Would Jesus Do?

Falwell's at it agin, saying that if Hillary Clinton runs for President, that will energize "his" base more than if Lucifer was running. Hyuk hyuk. Personally, I think Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are both possessed by the devil, but that's because I'm Catholic, and we believe in such nonsense.

I know religious people don't want same sex couples having sex with each other, or having children, or getting married.

Jesus propably wouldn't want that either.

But Jesus also wouldn't want capitalism. That is a selfish system, and he was all about non-selfishness.

Jesus also would never go for fighting, not fisticuffs, not a war. The biggest pacifist the planet has ever seen was Jesus Christ.

So how do these fuckers get away with invoking Christ's name in the war against terror? It is a mystery to me. But it has to stop.

All Christian denominations need to start preaching the word of God, coming from Jesus, that said love your neighbor, turn the cheek, judge not lest you be judged.

There is a lot of judgeing going on these days. There are a lot of immoral people, people that support the deaths of thousands of innocent people in the name of Christ. Jesus would puke on you. No human life is worth eliminating, he would say.

These are the same people that don't want an abortion to happen, but it's OK to rub out a nine-year old Iraqi girl's life because she was too close to a target.

Wow. What would Jesus say about that.

I'll tell you what he would say.

He would say that is the most fucked up logic he has ever heard, and if he has any say in it, and he'll talk to the big guy on Friday, he would send all people that think a man getting fucked in the ass is worse than an iraqi schoogirl getting her head blown off straight to hell. Unfortunately for the United States, that would be roughly half our population.

He wouldn't swear, and he'd try to tell the hypocritical right why they were dangerous and wrong, but Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would be too vocal for him, and he would be sick that carried his message. So he'd kill them on national tv, probably a simultaneous head explosion, and then tell everyone else to cut the shit and get right.

And he would be kick ass, and he would say "vote democratic".

[freeman+forest+what's+the+point+bill+stringer+jeff+white+trouble+bullshit+motherfuckers+liars+cheneysucks+bushsucks]

The Scrabble Factor

Jeez, I wrote this six months ago and forgot to post it. It's not that great, and it has been overcome by events, but it was, at the time, a decent theory. The Scrabble Factor.....

The latest CBS News poll shows President Bush at his lowest approval rating of his 5 years in office - 34 percent. 59 percent disapprove of how he is handling his job. This rating could dip even lower as the release of the video tapes indicating he was briefed on the potential of the breach of the New Orleans levees come into the public view. The political pundits will blame these and other factors - such as the Dubai port deal, the medicare policy mess, the recent violence bordering on civil war in Iraq, as contributing to his low poll numbers.

All those things are contributory, obviously. But assuming the American people as a whole pay close enough attention to radically change their opinion of this guy after re-electing him 18 months ago is absurd. Because if the American people cared about truth, integrity and sound policy, they would never have re-elected this fuck. Sound bites and spin drive public opinion. So why isn't it working any more? The themes are still there, but we're not buying it anymore. What gives?

Here's my theory. Bush was refreshingly anti-Clinton. Clinton was the know-it-all suck up in school that you wanted to kick the shit out of. He was also the filthy cheat that pulled dirty tricks on you to win over friends and get his way. But he was brilliant, and he was charismatic. He could make you feel special while he was fucking you over. Bush came off as no-nonsense, grounded, and someone who really didn't seem like he gave a shit about winning. When he was installed as President, a lot of people simply relaxed. He can't do no harm, he's smart enought to be elected President, it'll be ok.

Unfortunately for Bush, it's important to Americans that someone smarter than themselves is running the show. And they were nervous about Bush from the get-go, that's how come they almost elected Al Gore and John Kerry president. Gore was like your pain in the ass aunt who whines about wasting water and green beans, and Kerry was like the scary talking trees in the Wizard of Oz. Bush should have lost to BOTH of them, but he didn't, because we'd rather have a cowboy than a talking tree or a paranoid aunt. But he almost lost to them becuase they were both clearly smarter than he was. But Bush was judged "smart enough" by the american people.

Then 9/11 happened, and he got a really long pass. But slowly but surely, the American people see how this dude is doing his job, and can relate it to simple games of smarts and strategy, and realize they might be able to kick this dude's ass in trivial pursuit.

For the simple folk, they see that it's costing us well over $100 billion dollars a year to prosecute the war in Iraq. They've started to realize that they could probably trick this fucker into buying Baltic and Mediterranean Avenue for thousands of dollars. For the more intelligent Risk players, they see that this dipshit would bulk up in the middle east, which is a losing strategy unless you can roll lucky.

Poker players see how he backed down on the Harriet Meyers nomination. I've got a falwell straight, i guess you say, and he folds every time. Spades players start to realize they'd clean his clock as he assumes he can win a trick by force of will and American Values, rather than a high spade.

But what's driven him so low, I believe, is the scrabble factor. Everyone in this country has been forced to play Scrabble at least once. And if you're good at it, you love it, and if you suck at it, you hate it. And if you suck at it, you vow never to play it again. Millions of americans, who have vowed to never play scrabble again, want to play again. Because they have heard the president speak. They are certain they can beat him. They know there's only one "r" in strategy. They know they can challenge "nuculer". The President doesn't.

Brain Damage - Part 1

OK, so I had a major medical malfunction on 4th of July weekend. Without getting into too many details, I was out of town and had a brain incident. When it happened, I felt something pop in my head, and I was no longer able to stand. I went down, and I don't know whether the trouble I had breathing was related to the fact that I was having a major medical incident, or that I was doing the Fred Sanford in my head (Here I come, Elizabeth). I've thought I was going to die before on Roller Coasters, or riding with a drunk friend on A1A in Daytona Beach, but there was always the probability of survival, death was only a possibility. This was the first time that for a prolonged period of time, like 3 or 4 minutes, I thought I was checking out.

But then I didn't die. But I did have the most incredible headache you can ever believe. It's indescribable. Think about the drunkest you ever got, and then how bad your head hurt in the morning, and then add the power of 3 to that. It was that bad. I couldn't believe I could be alive and in that much head pain.

So, I decided I'd drive home. It was Saturday, I was busy at work, I was only going to be out of town for the day, I was going to work on Sunday and the holiday to meet some bullshit deadlines. One of my friends, however, thought this a poor idea (most thought it a fine idea - get the old dude with a medical condition the fuck out of here). So I was talked into getting checked out at an urgent care place. I told them I had fainted, and had a massive headache, and I just wanted to make sure it was OK to drive 6 hours home before I got checked out by a medical professional. Well they laughed at me like I was Dumbo, and told me that the only Dr. that would see me was at the ER across the street. FUCK. So I went.

They tried to get me to sign releases at the ER, I wouldn't sign. "Take my blood pressure first", I said. "I gotta go home". My friend was incredibly patient through the whole ordeal, because I would have kicked my own ass looking back. Anyway, they took my blood pressure, and it was obscenely high, so something was hideously wrong. I reluctantly signed the papers. I would later find out that those papers said "The aforesigned willingly and without recourse allows this and all medical institutions to deprive the aforesigned of human dignity and all human rights for the next 7 days".

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not dead. But surviving wasn't no peach, neither....

(To Be Continued)

Thomas Kalorama Speaks

Thomas Kalorama Said:

I am back ...and I no longer wish to be cold, afraid or Sick.

I was not learning to juggle -- I was ... learning to cope and to die with grace and dignity. I failed in all regards. So, I guess I am back to instead numb the pain and blunt the confusion by reacting violently to life and screaming. I hope to be able to scream loud enough to: (i) eventually become deaf and therefore free from the disturbing things I hear; and/or (ii) to raise the decible level of the mass primal scream until it eclipses the noise of idiots, industry and money.

I want to live in a treehouse ...

Note to Mr. Forest -- simply stringing together oddly related words/concepts/ideas or adjective does not necessarily make for interesting reading. David Letterman started this unfortunate trend ... it works well for him.

I may have something to say soon.

Reintroducing Thomas Kalorama

My partner in this enterprise, Mr. Thomas Kalorama, has been noticeably absent. That is because he has spent the past six months living in a Montgomery, Alabama self storage facility trying to teach himself how to juggle. Finally, the money ran out, the talent was simply not there, and Mr. Kalorama has returned to civilization to do what he does best, to rail against the man. A little more bitter, a little more brazen, a little more humble, a little less of a pussy. Welcome back, cornhole.

Viva La Papa

OK, so the big story is the death of Pope John Paul II. I'm not going to make a big deal out of it, because although I am Catholic, I have pretty much abandoned my faith a long time ago. But the dude deserves some props, and some criticism, so here goes.

Breaking the string of Italian Popes - that was huge. Maybe we thought it would open the door for there to someday be an American Pope, but it was more. Coming from Poland, his people oppressed by the Iron Fist of Soviet Communism, the Karol Wojtyla papacy was immediately about religion AND politics. And he used his position to help bring down the Soviet Union. Welesa could not have been successful without John Paul II. No matter how far you're up Ronald Reagan's ass, you have to recognize that.

And he did use his bully pulpit to highlight the hypocracy of the Western World on issues such as AIDS, famine, third-world poverty and the death penalty. Hey, he and I will never agree on abortion, but he's the dude in charge of religion, so he had to do what he had to do. He never backed down from a fight. Except one.

Why he didn't bring down the swift sword of justice on the culture of pedophilia in the American priesthood is completely beyond me. Yeah, there are priest shortfalls in America, but Christ, keep importing them from Ireland. Find me a Catholic parish in America with a pastor from Ireland, and I'll show you some parishoners that are tickled pink. Yeah, the lawsuits could have bankrupted the Church - but come on, you can't tell me the Holy Father went light on these fuckers for financial reasons. So that leaves only one thing - forgiveness. But that's bullshit - because while Christianity and Catholicism preach forgiveness, they also preach atonement and punishment. That's what the kneeling on beans and confession bullshit is all about.

So, I'll never truly understand why he didn't lay waste to the US Catholic leadership. If he had done that, he would have been the perfect Pope for his time. As it turned out, he was merely the best we could have hoped for.

The next Pope will have an enormous hat to fill. I won't care much, I no longer believe you have to worship a certain way and go through certain motions to earn eternal life. I no longer believe that death will be a joyous occasion that brings us home to Jesus. I genuine hate the hypocracy of American Christianity, which is heavy in condescension and condemnation, and light with compassion and forgiveness. But the Pope is important, he's the world's moral beacon, and he needs to not be an asshole. So I hope the Cardinals get it right. And I also hope they get some pitching and some outfield help.

The Trouble With Moe

Have you seen the story where two chimpanzees viciously attacked a visitor at an animal sanctuary? The chimps chewed off the dude's nose and severely mauled his genitals (ripped his balls off), and tore off his foot, before they (the chimps) were shot to death.

OK, we need to break this one down. First of all, some famous chimps.

Cheeta - starred in Tarzan movies and Dr. Doolittle. Never ate anyone's face.

J. Fred Mugs - NBC Today Show Mascot, 1953 - 1957. Never objected to being dressed in diapers.

Coco the Monkey - Animated chimp and cereal hawk from Kellogg's commercials, digs chocolate, but doesn't much care for goat cheese.

Mogley - Chimp on CNBC's "Dennis Miller Live". He doesn't do much, and since nobody watches the show, he can hardly be considered famous, but I'm thinking if someone should have their balls ripped out of their scrotum by a fellow primate, it shoud be the guy who built his comedic career on assaulting authority and then sold out to become a shill for the Bush administration. I'm hoping Mogley reads this and takes appropriate action.

Moe - Third party to the Chimpanzee mauling case.

More incident details:

Moe was being visited by his former "owners", who had brought him a birthday cake. Buddy and Ollie, two male chimps from an adjoining cage, escaped and savaged the male visitor. They were dragging the man's body down the road when they were fatally shot by a caretaker. The man's wife suffered a bite wound on the hand. One final piece of evidence as we try to understand this senseless tragedy - two female chimps - Bones and Susie - escaped from the same cage, but were not involved in the attack.

Possible Motives:

OK, so we know Cheetah and Coco, our loving TV chimp pals, could not do such a savage thing without a reason. And since they acted in concert, it can't be blamed on the temporary, single animal freak out (I love it when the lone elephant freaks out and rampages, that's so freaky and scary, it's brilliant), so there has to be an alternative explanation. Submitted for your consideration:

The Neverland Ranch Theory: Moe had been in the sanctuary for over a year. Perhaps Moe had been sent to the sanctuary because maybe someone kept plying Moe with wine-soaked pretzels. Maybe someone couldn't keep their hands out of Moe's diaper. Maybe someone shared giggle-filled showers with Moe. Maybe the memory of this made Moe a seriously fucked up chimp. Maybe Moe had spent the year recounting the abuse, and dealing with the pain. Buddy and Ollie, then, were simply taking the law into their own hands, and meting out some vigilante monkey justice.

The Cake Slight: Perhaps this was an example of a species conflict escalating badly. Buddy and Ollie took exception to the type of cake. "Bananna bread cake for a birthday? Why, because we're monkeys? Oh I get it. Would you like us to fling some shit for you too? Maybe we can make some cute faces, maybe do the hear no evil, see no evil bullshit for you. Because that's how we are, right. We certainly can't appreciate a nice black forest or german chocolate cake, because we're just primitive stupid fucking monkeys, right? White human devil, if this cage were opened, we'd....Great Ceasar's ghost, it is. Hey, come here, you specist bastard...."

The Female Factor: It is hard to understand why most press reports on the incident failed to mention the existence of Bones and Susie. This is hardly an insignificant detail. Bones, based on her name, is probably not a very attractive or self-confident monkey, so Buddy and Ollie have probably been working hard to win the attention of Susie. Susie is a fabulous and particulary troublesome chimp, and was probably putting the boys through some hellish courtship competition. There's only so many variations of a tire swing dismount a fella can perform without getting the monkey love, so when a new opportunity for Showtime presented itself, the chimps went nuts. In a lust-crazed frenzy to win her over and seal the goddamned deal alreay, the played "anything you can do I can do better" with the poor man. "I ate his nose, please fuck me". "No look, I ripped his foot off, that's better, please fuck me". "No wait, look, oh shit, look what I did. For christ's sake, I've ripped his fucking balls off. Look, I've got the man's balls in my hand. I get the buns, I get the monkey buns, for the love of Bonzo, I get the frigging buns!"

The Verdict: I'm going with a mix of one and three. No doubt, after a year of his whimpering about the alleged abuse, Moe was getting the sympathy of the ladies, and was no doubt an annoying rash to Buddy and Ollie. Buddy and Ollie likely were having their romantic advances thwarted with lines like "Oh, please, you think showing me that crooked pink joint's going to make me melt. Why can't you two be less neanderthal and more sensitive like Moe?" or "I wish Moe was in our cage, because I would love to hold him, he's been through so much, but he's so strong". Egged on by the troublesome Chimp Susie (Bones rarely engages in the banter, she's very uncomfortable with the sexual tension), the boys merely were trying to change the god damned story around this place. And they paid with their lives.

A tragedy indeed, but a tragedy for Buddy and Ollie. Sure, a man's lost his nose, foot and balls. I don't want to make light of that. No wait, I did want to make light of that.

Godspeed, brave Chimp warriors.