The Pussy Factor

OK, so our child President made some comments at the Israeli Knesset that talked about some people would be willing to appease evildoers, and indirectly linked it to WWII and Hitler. Obama's staff has gone mad, and he's responded forcefully. He needs to be careful here. Nobody likes a crybaby. Children that are crybabies are called crybabies. Women that are crybabies are called drama queens. Men who are crybabies are called pussies. And a pussy has never been elected President. OK, maybe one, we'll get to that, but it was because he beat a bigger pussy. McCain is a war hero, so Obama cannot win the pussy battle, he MUST duel him to a draw on the pussy issue to win.

OK. let's start the analysis.

2004 -- George W. Bush vs. John Kerry

No contest, Kerry was the big pussy here. His windsurfing deal, his throwing away his war medals, definitely defeated Bush's never serve but go to war pussiness. It was close, but Kerry was a clear pussy, Bush is only a pussy upon deep investigation.

2000 - George W. Bush vs. Al Gore

As Bill Clinton's vice-president, Gore was by definition already a pussy. He needed to define George Bush as more of a pussy. And he definitely could have, but he blew it. Bush could have been exploited as a pussy big time - his luck of wealth because of daddy, his ownership of a baseball team that he fucked up as his major accomplishment, his shoddy reserve record to name a few. But Gore had so much pussiness to overcome. He was Clinton's bitch for 8 years. That made him a MAJOR pussy. But the best thing he could have done was to have Clinton come out and say "this dude hasn't been a pussy", because Clinton was NOT a pussy. Instead, Gore decided that he wanted to win on his own merits, he distanced himself from Clinton, talked about environment and shit, which solidified his standing as a pussy. Thus, Bush won, even though he was a pussy, but Gore was a bigger one.

1996 - Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole

While Bill Clinton could have probably been defined as a pussy in his early years, what with marrying Hillary (a right wing republican, when he was the man from Hope) and all, by the time this election had occured, most of America was already familiar with his rather impressive list of sexual conquests. A dude who fucks around that has a wife that knows about it is immune from pussiness. Bob Dole was immediately a pussy because he had a wife that a) was more accomplished than him and b) that he couldn't fuck because he didn't know about viagra yet.

1992 - Bill Clinton vs. George Bush

Bush was a pussy from the beginning. Everyone knew he was a pussy in 1988, but Dukakis was such a gigantic, historical pussy, Bush won anyway. Clinton would have had to be caught sucking dick or crying over running over a kitten to lose this election. Special note on 92 and 96, Ross Perot was not a pussy, but he was a crazy, living caricature, which doomed his chances.

1988 - George Bush vs. Michael Dukakis

From the eyebrows to the tank video to the wife eating pills and drinking cleaning solution, has a bigger pussy ever received the nomination of a major party for president than Michael Dukakis? Even the Willy Horton attack, which was shameful, came across as just another thing that this liberal pussbag was complaining about.

1984 - Ronald Reagan vs. Walter Mondale

Reagan was already solid as a non-pussy. Mondale raised his pussy factor with the nomination of an inexperienced broad congresswoman from an exceptionally liberal district in new york as his running mate. Plus, he was Carter's VP, which earned him major pussy points.

1980 - Ronald Reagan vs. Jimmy Carter

Reagan eliminated the pussy factor with his "I paid for this microphone" rant in the NH debate. Iran hostages held forever, Carter doing nothing, biggest pussy factor as a president, ever. Not withstanding his work with isreal and egypt - that was great, but he was a huge pussy that had no chance to beat the cowboy movie star.

1976 - Jimmy Carter vs. Gerald Ford

Carter's pussiness had not yet been exposed. In fact, during the Democratic primary battle, he was a ruthless prick. Ford had pardoned Nixon, so most people just assumed he was a pussy. But a linebacker from Michigan is not a pussy. An example of when the pussy factor didn't work historically.

1972 - Nixon vs. McGovern

Only outflanked by Dukakis on pussiness, McGovern sealed his fate with the Eagleton debacle. To be clear, Nixon was a corrupt calculating douchebag, but not a pussy.

1968 - Nixon vs. Humphrey

Hubert Humphrey as a name immediately labels you as a pussy. Even though Nixon was a pussy because of his crybaby Checkers speech, Humprey was a bigger pussy for sitting on the sidelines and never addressing the riots in chicago at the convention. The war was a big deal, the discontent with it's progress was a big deal, and humphrey was a pussy not to address it.

1964 - Goldwater vs. Johnson

No pussies here. Johnson won because Goldwater was 25 years before his time. But neither candidate could be labelled a pussy. Goldwater was just perceived as being insane.

1960 - Nixon vs. Kennedy

Before he figured out how to be corrupt and sneaky, Nixon was a gigantic pussy. Eisenhower marginalized him as a VP, and Kennedy was a war hero. Televised debates exposed Nixon as a sweaty pussy even.

1956 - Eisenhower vs. Stevenson

Stevenson's pussiness didn't matter. Eisenhower was a decorated WWII commander, so there was no pussiness involved. Automatic win

1952 - Eisenhower vs. Stevenson

Ditto 1956

1948 - Dewey vs. Truman

Truman was with FDR and really didn't care if he lost. Excellent. Dewey had already been nominated and lost to FDR, so even if he wasn't a pussy, he could be construed as such.

That's as far back as I will go back.

The point is that Obama will easily be labeled the pussy, McCain will never be labeled as such. We, as democrats, need to acknowledge the pussy factor, and start to work against it. It can be overcome, but not easily, and we have to start early to win.